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In attendance: Sheralyn, Zeitgeist Karen, Big Brother, The Patriot, Rich Snitch, The Propagandist, Captain Pan, and Capella Nion.
SHERALYN
Okay, everyone. Welcome to our second meeting and May the Fourth be with us.
(silence replies)
Okay, did anyone follow up on the CDC thing?
ZEITGEIST KAREN
I thought you were going to do that.
SHERALYN
No. There didn’t seem to be any interest and the story seemed to self-correct by the end of the day so I’m good to let it go and start fresh. Anything you all want to cover?
CAPTAIN PAN
There are no beach riots in California. Only residents who want to play in the ocean.
ZEITGEIST KAREN
Selfish! Just because the sun is out and the weather is nice, doesn’t mean we’re past this thing.
THE PATRIOT
So people don’t have a right to go to the beach if they want to? Hospitals are empty. Some are going bankrupt. We did this whole quarantine thing not to overrun them and we succeeded. Why are you so upset if they get patients again? Not everyone wants to die hiding in a foxhole.
SHERALYN
Good points for a thought piece, Patriot. Is yours ready to go?
THE PATRIOT
Not yet. I don’t work on weekends.
SHERALYN
Got it. Well, let me know when you’re ready to post.
THE PATRIOT
Will do.
SHERALYN
We have other stories. There was that George W. Bush video that was released over the weekend. Any reaction to that?
ZEITGEIST KAREN
Oh, my gosh. I cried! That was so moving! Everyone should watch it. We really are in this together!
THE PATRIOT
(under breath)
9/11 was an inside job.
SHERALYN
Any other reactions?
RICH SNITCH
No. I’m just sitting here counting all the times Karen doesn’t get to speak her mind.
ZEITGEIST KAREN
And this is how you create a hostile work environment!
RICH SNITCH
Good to know.
SHERALYN
If that’s the only response, I’m going to assume no one else really found the video all that compelling.
BIG BROTHER
I agree with Karen. George W. Bush’s message to the people should be mandatory viewing in these harrowing times.
ZEITGEIST KAREN
Thank you, Big Brother! It’s nice to be validated.
BIG BROTHER
You’re welcome, Karen. Also, I’d like to go by my given name from here on out: Stan. And I’d rather identify as “the oldest child” rather than the big brother. Big Brother is laden with negative tropes and sexism I’d rather avoid, if possible.
SHERALYN
I’ll make the change, starting immediately.
STAN
Thank you.
SHERALYN
Of course. Next up, we have the U.S. presidential elections and the mounting challenges to Joe Biden’s character through sexual assault allegations. Currently, these are centered around Tara Reade, who seems to be a credible accuser, since her mother called into Larry King regarding the accusation in 1993.
Some don’t believe Tara’s accusations, of course. But some do, while still endorsing Biden to beat Trump. Like Lisa Bloom:
You can probably tell by the current ratio of this tweet that this is a controversial stance. Anyone want to weigh in on it?
STAN
No.
RICH SNITCH
No.
THE PATRIOT
What’s the point? They’re just going to nominate Hillary as his VP and then have Joe drop out.
ZEITGEIST KAREN
Oh, my gosh. I just can’t with all your conspiracy theories.
THE PATRIOT
Admit it. It’s what you want.
ZEITGEIST KAREN
I mean, not gonna lie, that would be a dream come true. But I think he’s going to choose a younger up-and-comer. Not white. He has to. Someone like Kamala Harris would be perfect!
THE PATRIOT
Why not Tulsi Gabbard? Why are female liberals backing a sexual predator when they could be voting for a woman? What’s with all the hypocrisy there?
ZEITGEIST KAREN
Tulsi’s so moderate, she might as well be a Republican.
THE PATRIOT
Have you seen her policies? They are not Republican.
ZEITGEIST KAREN
You’re exhausting.
THE PATRIOT
Yeah? And I just think you’re biased against hot, vegan Hindus.
ZEITGEIST KAREN
That is categorically untrue.
THE PATRIOT
I’m just saying: Hillary’s going to steal the Democratic nomination and 2020 is going to be rematch. Politics has been like a WWE storyline ever since Trump entered the ring. They’re all just running a script and we’re supposed to act like the idiots in the stands while they do it.
SHERALYN
So … um, back to the Tara Reade story: Any takers?
ZEITGEIST KAREN
Oooh. Stephenie Meyer is releasing a new Twilight book from Edward’s point of view! Could you get me an advanced reading copy? I’d love to do a book review.
SHERALYN
I don’t know that I have the contacts for that, but I’ll see what I can do.
RICH SNITCH
I think I might do an advertorial on good mics for snitches.
SHERALYN
(makes note)
Sounds good. Stan, anything to look for from you?
STAN
Not for the moment. People know where they need to be and what they need to do to stay safe during this pandemic. We’ve made that clear. All they need to do is take care of themselves and their loved ones with the peace of mind that people like me are doing all they can do.
SHERALYN
Okay. Do you want to write an article that says that?
STAN
People already know and the Bush video says it all. I won’t bore them with redundancy in the form of written words.
SHERALYN
Okay. Captain Pan, you’ve been traveling the world through all this. Any commentary you’d like to make?
CAPTAIN PAN
Not really. This is the most boring panic I’ve ever seen. No unrest. No bodies in the harbors. Just quiet cities filled with masked residents ordering take-out and binge-watching TV. I’ll let you know when I sail into something interesting.
SHERALYN
Gotcha. How about you, Capella? Insights are kind of your thing, right? Got any?
CAPELLA NION
I’ll meditate on it and let you know what comes.
SHERALYN
Great. Patriot, any other article ideas from you?
THE PATRIOT
Well, given the decrease in my drop-shipping business the past two months, door-to-door sales is now part of our home school curriculum. My boys sold 12 watches this morning. I think it’s really important to teach children about business young. Maybe I could do an article on that.
ZEITGEIST KAREN
On child labor? Surely, you are kidding. It’s like you want people to call CPS on you.
THE PATRIOT
For teaching my kids how to make money in tough times? You think that’s abuse? That life!
ZEITGEIST KAREN
They are children!
THE PATRIOT
Right. And it’s my job to prepare them for the world.
SHERALYN
Okay, I’m going to stop you two there unless one of you wants to write a thought piece on your stance.
ZEITGEIST KAREN
Please. As if he would read it. Besides, you can’t teach common sense. Either you have it, or you don’t.
SHERALYN
Okay, let me know if you change your minds. Propagandist? You still here?
PROPAGANDIST
Yeah.
SHERALYN
I was thinking we could all use icons to go with our names. Is that something you could do?
PROPAGANDIST
Sure. I’ll get on that. Still need a style guide.
SHERALYN
Yeah. How about we collaborate on that after this meeting?
PROPAGANDIST
Cool.
SHERALYN
And I think now would be a great point to stop at. I clearly need to read a book, or something, on how to run more effective meetings. So I’ll look into that and work with the Propagandist to create icons for you all. Sound good?
ZEITGEIST KAREN
Yes. But definitely look into getting that new Twilight book for me.
SHERALYN
Will do. Let’s meet again at the same time tomorrow and, next time, I’d like each of you to pitch a story that sounds interesting to you. Sound good?
Everyone agrees.
Meeting closes.
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